Script Draft 2

12/8/2015

Mr. M

1/9/2016 11:07:47 am

Nice job on the script, tightening this up. You tell a complete story here, from why foster parents are needed, to how to become one, and by showing us a great example of a family that is doing just that. I was just wondering now as I read this again....should you have put something in there about how a potential family who is interested can get in touch with the proper people? Maybe when we post this to our Vimeo page, we can add that info in there. One thing I'd like you to work on for next time is your VOs. When you state something in your VO, like this: "VO: Children can be entered into the foster care system from an early age, and can stay in the system until they ‘age out’ at 18. They are put into foster care when the environment they are staying in is no longer safe or when their essential needs are not met," and then you follow it up with a sound bite that says the exact same thing: "MONICA:
SOME REASONS CAN’T MEET THIS IS BECAUSE OF ESSENTIAL NEEDS, IF A CHILD IS NOT MET. FOOD. SHELTER, CLOTHING, AND SOMETIMES IT ALSO IS AFFECTED BY DRUG USE FROM THE PARENTS, OR THEM BEING INCARCERATED," you repeat yourself for no reason. This isn't the greatest example because the parts you repeated are the "essential needs are not met." In the sound bite, I think you could have shortened it to take out that first sentence. If you say essential needs are not met in your VO, and then it goes straight to, "Food, shelter, clothing..." then I think the script flows better. It's like when students use the same words in back to back sentences in the Inside Scoop announcements. If you're saying it in the VO, you don't need the person in the interview to repeat that same thing. Hope that makes sense. That's the only thing I can give you as far as improvements go. This is a well written script and the fact that Hiki No is interested in this second story from you both is a testament to how well written this is. Keep up the great work! 3.9 points out of 4.

Script Draft 2

Leave a Reply.

Author

Archives

Categories